My Story...

I'm 18 years old and have had this condition for 2 years now. I first noticed that I couldn't use tampons when I started having my period (I was eleven) but never really cared because I didn't feel the need to. It's when I met my first (and actual) boyfriend that things got complicated.

Even though I knew I couldn't even insert tampons, I was somehow expecting my first time to magically be perfect. Well, it wasn't. It was horrible, in fact. It felt as if there was a wall, and no opening. I was completely clueless about what was happening down there...

We decided to keep trying and trying, but every time, it hurt even more. At first, I thought that the problem would somehow go away with time. At some point, I guess I simply realised that magical thinking would get me nowhere...I knew I had a problem and I needed to accept it if I wanted to solve it.

So I went to a doctor. She examined me (well, tried to) with a Q-tip and it seemed like nothing was wrong with my hymen (which I thought was the problem at first), but she couldn't tell me more as she hadn't been able to properly examine me. She told me to be patient, and that was it. Since I was sure that my problem couldn't be physical, I just started thinking that I wasn't normal and that I was facing a dead end. I felt the need to share my problem with other people. However, the few people with whom I shared my problem just couldn't understand it. I found that particularly frustrating. They told me that it didn't hurt that much, that I just had to endure it, as if they knew the pain I was feeling when trying to have sex, you know, that excruciating burning pain...and so, even though well intentioned, I didn't get help from these people.

I felt so alone in my condition, as I knew nobody around me who had it too and as nobody could understand me. My relationship with my boyfriend was getting harder. I was so desperate. That is when I decided to seek help where I could actually get some. I started seeing a therapist. It helped a lot with understanding why I was so scared to let myself go, why penetration was impossible. However, even though I was getting better mentally, there was still no progress, and I knew very well why that was so: I ended up associating penetration with pain, despair and failure. My body was responding to penetration as it would respond to an attack.

One day, however, my therapist told me about a treatment that changed my life: perineal rehabilitation (given by a physiotherapist). That treatment is made for women who need to reinforce their perineal muscles after having a baby but also to help treat vaginismus. I didn't even hesitate to try that out; I was out of options. The physiotherapist was very kind and comprehensive, and that's when I really felt like I could cure my condition for the first time.

Even though this treatment turned out to be helpful, I still had my problem. Therefore, my boyfriend and I decided to start consulting a sex therapist. This helped us with several aspects of our couple. We quickly stopped, though, because it was getting expensive to consult all sorts of professionals. At this point, I simply decided to continue by myself because I felt that I could; I didn't feel as insecure as before, and I knew that I could get through it by myself.

 

Right now, I'm still unable to have sex, but I intend to make updates until I finally cure myself from vaginismus.