When I think of vaginismus, I automatically think of a vicious cycle. The Cycle of Pain.
For me, the anticipation of pain was for a long time inevitable. At some point, I was so sure that it would hurt that I would simply avoid trying to insert a dilator, for instance, because I thought it was worthless to try. If I was trying to insert one and that it didn't hurt, I would start to panic because I thought it wasn't normal that it didn't hurt; that surely it would start hurting soon...and then the pain appeared, obviously.
Desperate, I wondered...how could I get through this? Even though I always felt tired and ready to give up, I just couldn't bring myself to just think: what the heck, I'll be a virgin for the rest of my life. That's probably because I know I would never get to that point...I think!
Seeing a sexologist really helped me having more realistic thoughts. Just changing the way I thought helped me progress and those progress made me feel more optimistic about it! But still, being positive isn't always enough. Being able to relax sure helps, but it's not enough. For me, at least. I also realised that my relationship with my boyfriend affected my progress more than thought, and that sometimes I just needed a good conversation to get myself going on those terrible exercises (but that's off topic).
I think the hardest part I had to get through so far was getting out of that vicious cycle. It seems easy to say that you just have to change your whole way of thinking...of course that didn't happen overnight! What most helped me was to realise that I didn't have to think positively, but rather realistically! Indeed, telling myself: "It will be hard and may take a while but I can get through this if I work hard enough" just seems much more true than thinking that it'll just be okay. It even seems obvious that using logic can help get over this condition since the fear of having penetration is often illogic (in the way that having sex is not something dangerous).
This cycle can be broken. What I have to keep in mind is that it's still not over yet.
