My thoughts on vaginismus...

I made this out of some texts I wrote on vaginismus (on this website: http://www.wordle.net/). It's crazy because when I look at it, it reminds me of my thoughts on vaginismus; all those words pop up into my mind in a disorderly manner. It's actually relieving to put my thoughts into this...word cloud.  

(you can click on it to have a better view)

The Cycle of Pain

When I think of vaginismus, I automatically think of a vicious cycle. The Cycle of Pain.

For me, the anticipation of pain was for a long time inevitable. At some point, I was so sure that it would hurt that I would simply avoid trying to insert a dilator, for instance, because I thought it was worthless to try. If I was trying to insert one and that it didn't hurt, I would start to panic because I thought it wasn't normal that it didn't hurt; that surely it would start hurting soon...and then the pain appeared, obviously.

Desperate, I wondered...how could I get through this? Even though I always felt tired and ready to give up, I just couldn't bring myself to just think: what the heck, I'll be a virgin for the rest of my life. That's probably because I know I would never get to that point...I think!

Seeing a sexologist really helped me having more realistic thoughts. Just changing the way I thought helped me progress and those progress made me feel more optimistic about it! But still, being positive isn't always enough. Being able to relax sure helps, but it's not enough. For me, at least. I also realised that my relationship with my boyfriend affected my progress more than  thought, and that sometimes I just needed a good conversation to get myself going on those terrible exercises (but that's off topic).

I think the hardest part I had to get through so far was getting out of that vicious cycle. It seems easy to say that you just have to change your whole way of thinking...of course that didn't happen overnight! What most helped me was to realise that I didn't have to think positively, but rather realistically! Indeed, telling myself: "It will be hard and may take a while but I can get through this if I work hard enough" just seems much more true than thinking that it'll just be okay. It even seems obvious that using logic can help get over this condition since the fear of having penetration is often illogic (in the way that having sex is not something dangerous).

This cycle can be broken. What I have to keep in mind is that it's still not over yet.



The Treatments

I have done a lot of research in order to find a suitable treatment for me. Here are a list of some treatments that I found (some I have tried, some I haven't). Feel free to share your opinions on these or tell me if other treatments have worked for you!

1. Dilators.

A lot of dilator sets are available and they are made for women who suffer from vaginismus, amongst other things. They are usually sold in sets, so you can start with a small one and work your way up to the bigger ones (here is an example: http://www.vaginismus.com/products/dilator_set). It is easy to find some websites where dilators are sold. It is also possible to find some in a sex shop (as I have), but since dilators are not meant for pleasuring, it is not sure that some will be available. I heard that some books on vaginismus are sold along with a set of dilators. This is perfect for self treatment!

2. The Vagi-Wave.

This curious dilator is only sold in the UK (but they ship around the world; I bought it!). It is meant to be inserted in the vagina every night (you have to sleep with it), 21 nights in a row. A lot of women claimed that this product cured their condition. As for myself, it did help in several ways: it helped me get used to inserting something in my vagina, since I had to do it every night, and it helped me realize that I can really relax even with something in there. However, my problem still wasn't solved. In my opinion, that is due to the fact that the vagi-wave is pretty small.

-- Click here if you are interested in the vagi-wave: http://www.vagi-wave.co.uk/

3. The Women's Therapy Center.

This center is in New York. They offer different treatments adapted to your needs. If you live far away from it, they offer a two-week treatment program where you have consultations every day. I would have liked to try that program (they say they cure 95% of the vaginismus cases they treat) but I don't have enough money (the two-week treatment costs about 11,000 USD and does not include travel and lodging). They told me that most insurances cover it in the USA, but since I live in Canada, I would have to pay it by myself, and, being a student, I simply don't have that kind of money. If money is not a problem for you and you would like to try this treatment (or if you're just curious about this center), then you can visit their website here: http://www.womentc.com/

4. Mental and physical health professionals.

There are a lot of professionals who can help you. You can turn to...

- a gynecologist (helpful if you want to make sure your problem is not physical);

- a physiotherapist (perineal rehabilitation);

- a psychotherapist;

- a sex therapist;

- a hypnotherapist (I haven't gone to one but apparently some women do and it helps);
- a sophrologist (I don't know much about this, but is about relaxation, which is helpful in our case since the goal is to relax the perineal muscles. Some women have cured their vaginismus that way. Learn more here: http://www.sophrologyinternational.org/page/page/4204826.htm)

5. Discussion groups.
Whether it may be a forum online or an actual discussion group, it can be very helpful and interesting to share stories and experiences with several other women or couples. I don't know if there are a lot of discussion groups on vaginismus, but I know there is one near where I live, in Montreal, Canada (here is the link for those of you who live near Montreal: http://www.groupeelva.org/index.php?page=52 At a cost of 20$ per year, you can have access to a discussion group, a list of professionals who could help you and several other things).

Don't forget that we are all different: concentrate on your own preferences and rhythm in order to find the right treatment for you!

Good luck to all of you!

My Story...

I'm 18 years old and have had this condition for 2 years now. I first noticed that I couldn't use tampons when I started having my period (I was eleven) but never really cared because I didn't feel the need to. It's when I met my first (and actual) boyfriend that things got complicated.

Even though I knew I couldn't even insert tampons, I was somehow expecting my first time to magically be perfect. Well, it wasn't. It was horrible, in fact. It felt as if there was a wall, and no opening. I was completely clueless about what was happening down there...

We decided to keep trying and trying, but every time, it hurt even more. At first, I thought that the problem would somehow go away with time. At some point, I guess I simply realised that magical thinking would get me nowhere...I knew I had a problem and I needed to accept it if I wanted to solve it.

So I went to a doctor. She examined me (well, tried to) with a Q-tip and it seemed like nothing was wrong with my hymen (which I thought was the problem at first), but she couldn't tell me more as she hadn't been able to properly examine me. She told me to be patient, and that was it. Since I was sure that my problem couldn't be physical, I just started thinking that I wasn't normal and that I was facing a dead end. I felt the need to share my problem with other people. However, the few people with whom I shared my problem just couldn't understand it. I found that particularly frustrating. They told me that it didn't hurt that much, that I just had to endure it, as if they knew the pain I was feeling when trying to have sex, you know, that excruciating burning pain...and so, even though well intentioned, I didn't get help from these people.

I felt so alone in my condition, as I knew nobody around me who had it too and as nobody could understand me. My relationship with my boyfriend was getting harder. I was so desperate. That is when I decided to seek help where I could actually get some. I started seeing a therapist. It helped a lot with understanding why I was so scared to let myself go, why penetration was impossible. However, even though I was getting better mentally, there was still no progress, and I knew very well why that was so: I ended up associating penetration with pain, despair and failure. My body was responding to penetration as it would respond to an attack.

One day, however, my therapist told me about a treatment that changed my life: perineal rehabilitation (given by a physiotherapist). That treatment is made for women who need to reinforce their perineal muscles after having a baby but also to help treat vaginismus. I didn't even hesitate to try that out; I was out of options. The physiotherapist was very kind and comprehensive, and that's when I really felt like I could cure my condition for the first time.

Even though this treatment turned out to be helpful, I still had my problem. Therefore, my boyfriend and I decided to start consulting a sex therapist. This helped us with several aspects of our couple. We quickly stopped, though, because it was getting expensive to consult all sorts of professionals. At this point, I simply decided to continue by myself because I felt that I could; I didn't feel as insecure as before, and I knew that I could get through it by myself.

 

Right now, I'm still unable to have sex, but I intend to make updates until I finally cure myself from vaginismus.

Introduction

Hello everyone!

 

I decided to create this blog in order to help women, men and couples who suffer from vaginismus. Since this condition is not very well known or understood (even amongst doctors!) and that this problem seems too embarrassing and private to share, I know how easy it is to feel alone in this condition. Well, here, you are not alone.

 

This blog will be all about...

- sharing our vaginismus stories (mine and yours!);

- sharing links of helpful websites;

- sharing different treatments (effective or not);

- and much more!

 

I encourage you to either email me if you want to talk (joelle.robert@hotmail.com -- put a title so I don't mistake it for spam), just because it feels good to share some of the pain, and if you are interested, you can even send me your vaginismus story, that I would gladly post here, anonymously or not!

 

I speak both French and English, so you can contact me in whichever language you prefer. French is my mother tongue, so don't be surprised if you see any mistakes on this blog...

 

I'm eager to hear from all of you!

 

Joëlle.